The Lady Vanishes (1938) dialogue transcript

The Lady Vanishes (1938), written by Sidney Gilliat and Frank Launder; dialogue transcript by Peter Geier (2017)

Credits against a painted alpine landscape. Camera moves to small railway yard with a train snowed in with by avalanche at a station in a small town. A black sedan moves through the background from the station though the town to an inn. Scene opens in the lobby of that inn.

Caldicott: What's all this fuss about, Charters?

Charters: I’ll be hanged if I know.

Boris, the hotel manager, announces the following first in Italian, and then French, and then German, and finally in English: Ladies and gentlemen, how very sorry, the train is a little bit uphold, and if you wish to stay in my hotel you will have to register immediately.

Charters: Deuced if he didn't say so in the first place!

Boris: How do you do, Miss Henderson! How do you do ladies! It's a great honor to have you with us again.

Iris: Nice to see you, Boris. You haven't changed a bit since Friday.

Blanche: I see you haven't shaved, either (pinching his cheek)

Julie: Is everything ready?

Boris: Everything. I didn't change anything.

Iris: Not even the sheets, we know. Lead on, Boris.

Boris: You see, I didn't expect you to come so quickly.

Iris: Well, our legs gave out on us. We had to do the last lap in a farm cart.

Boris: Ooooooo!

Blanche: I see we’ve got company. Don't tell me Cook's are running cheap tours here.

Iris: What is it, Boris?

Boris: It’s the have-a-launch!

Julie: What is that?

Iris: Avalanche, Boris, avalanche.

Boris: In spring you've many avalanches. You know the snow goes like a bloop and everything disappear. Even trains they disappear under the avalanche.

Iris: But I'm going home tomorrow. How long before they dig it out?

Boris: By morning. It's lucky for you, you can leave by this train instead of your own. How you say it? It's a bad wind that blow nowhere no good.

Blanche: Talking of wind, we haven't eaten since dawn.

Iris: Serve us some supper, in our rooms.

Julie: I could eat a horse.

Iris: Don't put ideas into his head.

Iris: Some chicken, Boris. And a magnum of champagne. And make it snappy.

Blanche: Bandrika may have a dictator, but tonight we're painting it red.

Charters: Meanwhile, we have to stand here cooling our heels I suppose, eh. Confounded impudence!

Caldicott: Third-rate country. What do you expect?

Charters: I wonder who all those women were.

Caldicott: Possibly Americans, I should think. You know, almighty dollar and all that.

Charters: I suppose we shall have to wait here. If only we hadn't missed that train at Budapest.

Caldicott: Well, I don't want to rub it in, but if you hadn't insisted on standing up until they'd finished their national anthem...

Charters: You must show respect, Caldicott. If I'd known it was going to last twenty minutes...

Caldicott: It’s always been my contention that the Hungarian Rhapsody is not their national anthem. In any case, we were the only two standing.

Charters: Well, that's true.

Caldicott: Well, l suppose we shall be in time after all.

Charters: I doubt it. That last report was pretty ghastly. Do you remember? England on the brink.

Caldicott: Yes, but that’s newspaper sensationalism. The old country's been in tight corners before.

Charters: It looks pretty black. I mean, even if we leave first thing tomorrow morning, there's still a connection at Bale. We'll probably be hours.

Charters: Umm, that's true.

Caldicott: Oh, somebody surely can help us.

Charters: Oh sir! Do you happen to know what time the train leaves Bale for England?

Man: Ich spricht kein Englisch

Charters: Oh, really! Fellow doesn't speak English.

Busy reception desk with travelers speaking a variety of European languages. The Bandrikan language Boris uses with locals on the telephone and the hotel staff sounds vaguely Balkan Slavic, with an Oy vey iss mir! thrown in.

Charters: Here's one leaves Bale, 21:20.            

(Charters and Caldicott verbally convert this into English time.)

Boris (offering a middle-aged man travelling with a woman the choice between a double or two single rooms): I regret, sir that there is only left two single room in front, and a little double room in back.

Mr. Eric Todhunter: We'll, eh, take the two singles.

Boris: Very well, sir. Thank you.

Mrs. Margaret Todhunter: At least you might have asked me which I’d prefer.

Mr. Todhunter: My dear, a small double room at the back in a place like this?

Mrs. Todhunter: You weren't so particular in Paris last autumn.

Mr. Todhunter: It was quite different then. The Exhibition was at its height.

Mrs. Todhunter: I realise that now. There's no need to rub it in!

Caldicott: We want a private suite with a bath.

Charters: Facing the mountains.

Caldicott: With a shower, of course.

Charters: Hot and cold.

Caldicott: And a private thingummy, if you want one.

Boris: Well, I’m sorry gentlemen. The only things I’ve got is the maid's room!

Caldicott: What?

Charters: The maid’s room?

Boris: l'm sorry, gentlemen, the whole hotel is packed. Jammed to the sky.

Caldicott: But that’s impossible. We haven't fixed up yet.

Charters: You can't expect to put the two of us up in the maid's room.

Boris: Well don't get excited. I'll remove the maid out.

Charters: Yes, I should think so. What? What are you taking about.

Caldicott: I think I’d as soon sleep on the train.

Boris: There’s no eating in the train!

Caldicott: No eating on the train?

Boris: Yes, I mean huhh!—heating—brrr!

Caldicott: Oh heating. That's awkward.

Charters: All right we'll take it.

Boris: Just a minute. On one condition. You have to have the maid to come to your room, remove her wardrobe. Anna! (the maid comes to reception desk) She's a good girl, and I don't want to lose her (speaks Bandrikan with Anna, pinches and pats her cheek).

Charters: We'd better go and dress.

Caldicott: Rather primitive humour, I thought.

Charters: Grown up children, you know. There could have been an awkward situation, over that girl.

Caldicott: It’s a pity he couldn't have given us one each.

Charters: Huh?

Caldicott: I mean, uh, a room apiece.

Scene moves to three women in short silk slips in a well-appointed room for three. The speaker, with a small cashmere sweater top over her slip, stands on a table in the middle of the room. As she finishes speaking, Rudolph, a waiter, brings a large tray with food and a magnum of champagne.

Iris: I, Iris Matilda Henderson, a spinster of no particular parish, do hereby solemnly renounce my maidenly past, and do declare that on Thursday next, the 26 inst., being in my right mind, I shall take the veil, and the orange blossom, and change my name to Lady Charles Fotheringail.

Blanche: Can't you get him to change his name instead?

Julie: The only thing I like about him is his moustache.

Iris: You're a couple of cynics. I'm very fond of him.

Blanche: But I'm fond of rabbits, and they have to be kept down.

Iris: Rudolph, give me a hand. (she jumps down from the table top having lost her sweater en route—continuity, Alma!)

Blanche: Have you ever read about that little thing called love? It used to be very popular.

Iris: Child, the carpet is already laid at St. Georges, Hanover Square, and Father’s simply aching to have a coat of arms on the jam label.

Julie: To Iris, and the happy days she's leaving behind.

Blanche: And the blue-blooded cheque-chaser she's dashing to London to marry.

Julie: The blue-blooded cheque-chaser!

Iris: I've no regrets. I've been everywhere and done everything. I've eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs. I've played baccarat at Biarritz, and darts with the rural dean. What is there left for me but marriage? (the three toast)

Anna and Rudolph have an exchange in Bandrikan in hotel corridor relating to the two men the manager assigned to her room. Meanwhile, inside the room:

Charters: This hanging about is what gets me. If only we knew what was happening in England.

Caldicott: Mustn't lose grip, Charters.

Anna knocks at door and enters.

Charters: Come in.

She comes in, they assume, to change. They properly face the wall. Anna pulls a hat from a hat box under the bed. She turns and appears to ask them how she looks.

Caldicott: Did you follow any of that?

Charters: I did. Tell her this has gone far enough.

Caldicott: No, no: no—change—here. Outside.

Anna smiles and unbuttons the top of her dress.

Caldicott: She doesn't understand.

Charters: No, come on. (The two leave the room so Anna can change, and finish dressing for dinner in the stairwell outside).

Charters (flipping through newspapers in the hotel lobby): Nothing newer than last month.

Caldicott: I don’t suppose there is such a thing as a wireless set here, old man.

Charters: Being in the dark like this, you know, Caldicott. Our communications cut off in a time of crisis.

Boris (at the reception desk): Hello, hello, London. You want Mr Seltzer? Yes hold on. I'm going right now to find where he is.

Charters: London!

Caldicott: Go on, risk it.

Charters: Hello, hello, you, you in London. No no no, I'm not Mr Seltzer. Name's Charters. I don't suppose you know me, huh. Well, you needn’t worry. They've gone to fetch him. Tell me, what's happening to England? (pause) Blowing a gale? No, you don’t follow me sir. I'm inquiring about the test match in Manchester. Cricket, sir. Cricket! What, you don't know? You can't be in England and not know the test score. (to Caldicott) The fellow says he doesn't know.

Caldicott: Silly ass.

Charters:(Back at receiver) Hello, can't you find out? Oh, nonsense, it won't take a second. Oh all right, if you won't, you won't! (slams down the receiver) Wasting my time, the fellow's an ignoramus.

Boris (leading Seltzer to the telephone): Mr Seltzer, at last your call's come through to London.

Boris on the telephone: Hello! Hello! (Bandrikan follows)

Charters and Caldicott slip out of the lobby into the dining room, shove in front of a couple at a table where Miss Froy is sitting.

Rudolph the waiter repeats, several times, a phrase which sounds like: Renni furtado eshpanito.

Charters: Thank you, waiter. What do you say to a grilled steak?

Caldicott: That’s a very good idea. Well done for me, please.

Charters: On the red side for me.

Rudolph (wringing his hands): Renni furtado eshpanito!

Charters: These people have a passion for repeating themselves.

Miss Froy: l beg your pardon. He's trying to explain to you that owing to the large number of visitors, there's no food left.

Charters: No food? What sort of a place is this? They expect us to share a blasted dog box with a servant girl on an empty stomach? ls that hospitality? It that organisation? Oh, thank you.

Caldicott: l'm hungry, you know.

Charters: What a country. Little wonder they have revolutions.

Miss Froy: You're very welcome to what’s left of the cheese. Of course it's not like beef steak, but it's awfully rich in vitamins.

Charters: Oh really, thank you very much.

Miss Froy: I’m afraid they’re not accustomed to catering to so many people. Bandrika is one of Europe's few undiscovered corners.

Charters: That’s probably because there’s nothing worth discovering, I should think.

Miss Froy: You may not know it as well as I do. I‘m feeling quite miserable at the thought of leaving it.

Caldicott: After you with that cheese, please!

Charters: Certainly, old man, why not. So you're going home?

Miss Froy: Tomorrow. My little charges are quite grown up. I'm a governess and a music teacher, you know. In the six years I've lived here, I've grown to love the country. Especially the mountains. I sometimes think they’re like very friendly neighbours. (Street guitarist strikes up melody.) You know, the big father and mother mountain with their white snow hats, and their nephews and nieces, not quite so big, with smaller hats. Right down to the tiniest hillock, without any hat at all. Well of course, that's just my fancy.

Charters: Oh, really?

Miss Froy: I like to watch them from my bedroom every night when there's a moon. I'm so glad there's a moon tonight. Do you hear that music? Everyone sings here. The people are just like happy children, with laughter on their lips and music in their hearts.

Charters: It's not reflected in their politics, is it?

Miss Froy: I never think you should judge any country by its politics. After all, we English are quite honest by nature, aren't we? You'll excuse me if I run away? Good night, good night.

Charters and Caldicott rise, and return Miss Froy’s ‘Good night.’

Charters: Queer sort of bird.

Caldicott: Trifle whimsical, I thought.

Charters: After six years in this hole, we'd be whimsical.

Caldicott: Oh, I don't think so, old man. She was very decent about that cheese.

Charters: I see she's finished the pickles.

Blanche: Good night, lris. Listen, someone's serenading.

Iris: Let him. Nothing will keep me awake tonight. Good night, my children. (kisses the Blanche and Julie each on the forehead)

Miss Froy comes upstairs, sees Iris on the landing. Nods to iris, enters her room and listens attentively to guitarist playing a folk air in the street below. The song is interrupted by music on pipes and stomping in the room above.

Iris: What's happening? An earthquake?

Miss Froy: That wouldn't hardly account for the music. What a horrible noise. What can they be doing?

Iris: I don't know, but I'll soon find out. Hello. Musical country this.

Miss Froy: Yes. I feel quite sorry for that poor singer outside having to compete with this.

Iris: Boris? Miss Henderson speaking. Look, someone upstairs is playing musical chairs with an elephant. Move one of them out, will you? I want to get some sleep. All right. That'll settle it.

Miss Froy: Thank you, so much. Some people have so little consideration for others, which makes life more difficult than it need be, don't you think? Thank you so much. I thought you were going on the train in the morning? l hope we shall meet again under quieter circumstances. Good night.

Iris: Good night.

Boris: Miss, please. (Bandrikan line to himself) l'll fix everything.

Iris: You'd better!

Gilbert: Hold it. Steady, don't move.

Boris: lf you please, sir. Get out!

Gilbert: One, two.

Boris: Please, sir, will you kindly stop? They are all complaining in the whole hotel. You make too much noise.

Gilbert: Too much what?

Boris: Too much noise.

Gilbert: You dare to call it noise? The ancient music... with which your peasant ancestors celebrated every wedding for countless generations. What they danced when your father married your mother... if you were born in wedlock, which l doubt. Look at them.

Gilbert: You are the manager?

Boris: Sure. Fortunately, l am accustomed to squalor.

Gilbert: Who's complaining?

Boris: The young English lady underneath.

Gilbert: Well you tell the young English lady underneath that l am putting on record for the benefit of mankind one of the lost folk dances of Central Europe. And furthermore she does not own the hotel. Get out! Now, one, two...

Bois, to Iris downstairs: You know what he said? He said: “Who she think she is? The Queen of Sheba? She thinks she owns the hotel.”

Iris: Well can't you get rid of him?

Boris: Impossible.

Iris: Are you sure? (Iris pulls one, and then another banknote out of her purse.)

Boris: I begin to wonder... It's come back to me. I have got an idea. The German lady will call him and say: “It is my room. I did pay for it. Get out quickly.” How's that?

Iris: Good enough.

Boris: We will inject him with a little (gestures a kick)... He'll never forget as long as he lives.

Charters and Caldicott sitting together in a narrow bed, looking at the New York Herald Tribune.

Caldicott: Nothing but baseball. You know, we used to call it rounders. Children play it with a rubber ball and a stick. Not a word about cricket. You know, Americans have got no sense of proportion.

Knock at their door.

Charters: Come in.

Anna enters, smiles, changes hats: Gute nacht!

Charters: I can't stand this ridiculous lack of privacy. Lock the door.

Anna opens the door once again: Gute nacht!

Gilbert knocks at Iris’s door, then enters.

Iris: Who are you? What do you want?

Gilbert: (blows on the pipe) Recognise this signature tune?

Iris: Will you please get out?

Gilbert: This is a much better room. Definitely an acceptable room.

Iris: What exactly do you think you're doing? Keep away!

Gilbert: Would you hold these for a minute?

Iris: Put those back at once.

Gilbert: On which side do you like to sleep?

Iris: Do you want me to throw you out?

Gilbert: ln that case, l'll sleep in the middle. Smart of you to bribe the manager. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a toothbrush.

Iris: You're behaving like a complete cad.

Gilbert: You're at liberty to sleep in the corridor.

Iris: Hello.

Gilbert: l shouldn't if l were you. l'd only tell everyone you invited me here. And when l say everyone, l mean everyone. l have a powerful voice.

Iris: Come out of there at once!

Gilbert: Not until you bribe the manager to restore me to my attic.

Iris: Come out! (picks up the telephone receiver) Boris? l might change my mind about the room upstairs.

(Gilbert reappears from the bathroom)

Gilbert: Have my things taken upstairs, will you?

Iris: You're the most contemptible person I've ever met in all my life!

Gilbert: Confidentially, I think you're a bit of a stinker, too.

Scene: Miss Froy at her open window listens to a folk melody a singer below her window is singing and strumming on a guitar. We see the musician. The shadows of a pair of hands approach the singer on the wall behind him, turning into hands that strangle him. The singing stops. Miss Froy throws a coin to the musician, then closes one of a pair of windows and pulls the curtains closed. We see the coin on the street. Miss Froy sits down at her dressing table and repeats the melody.

Scene: morning at the railway station.

Caldicott: Well if we get to Basle in time, we should see the match.

Charters: I hope the weather's like this in Manchester. Certainly perfect for weather for our fellows, isn’t it?

Mrs. Todhunter: Isn't it somewhere along here?

Mr. Todhunter: lf you don't hurry, Margaret, we shan't get that compartment to ourselves.

Mrs. Todhunter: Does it matter?

Julie: There's time to change your mind.

Blanche: Send Charles a telegram and tell him he's all washed up.

Iris: No, it’s too late. This time next week, l shall be a slightly sunburnt offering on an altar in Hanover Square. I shan't mind, really.

Miss Froy: Good morning. I can't find my bag. It's a brown hold-all. Have you seen it? No, of course not, thank you.

Iris: She's dropped her glasses.

Miss Froy near the station building is looking through luggage. We see a hand push a flower box on the window sill directly above to the edge of the sill, evidently aimed at Miss Froy.

Iris: You dropped your glasses.

Iris leans over next to Miss Froy.

Miss Froy: Thank you...

The flower box hits Iris.

Miss Froy: Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear!

Blanche: Are you hurt?

Iris: I don't know. What was it?

Conductor speaking Bandrikan apparently tries to hury the womwn onto the train.

Blanche: Never mind about that. This cockeyed station of yours has practically brained my friend.

Miss Froy: Yes indeed!

Blanche: What are you going to do about it?

Conductor guffaws something in Bandrikan.

Miss Froy: He said he can't hold the train.

Julie: Hurry up. It's going.

Miss Froy: Yes, my dear.

Iris: I'm all right.

Miss Froy: Are you sure?

Miss Froy (to Iris’s friends): Don't worry, I'll look after her. Such carelessness!

Blanche: Are you sure you're all right?

Julie: Send us the Times.

Blanche: Write and tell us all about it.

Julie: Good luck. Look after yourself.

We see a montage of images showing Iris’s groggy mind as the train pulls out of the station and gathers speed. Iris comes to in a seat in a train compartment across from Miss Froy.

Miss Froy: There, there, you'll be all right in a minute. Just take everything quietly. Put some of this eau de cologne on your head.

Camera follows Iris’s eye as she takes in the other four passengers in the compartment, all foreign—a man in a leather jacket and a beret, an aristocratic-looking middle-aged woman with a pince nez, and a neatly-dressed young mother with a small boy.

Miss Froy puts eau de cologne on a handkerchief and hands it to Iris, who dabs it to her forehead.

Miss Froy: Do you feel any better?

Iris: Yes, thank you. I'm all right.

Miss Froy: What you need is a good strong cup of tea. l'll ring for the attendant.

Iris: No, please, don't bother. I'll go to the dining car myself. I need some air.

Miss Froy: Oh, in that case I'll come with you. If you don't mind, that is.

Iris: No, of course not.

Miss Froy leads Iris along the carriage corridor, stumbles in front of an open door into Mr Todhunter, who looks put out, closes the door and pulls the blinds.

Miss Froy: Oh I beg your pardon [to Todhunter] l'm so sorry. [back to Iris] You can always tell a honeymoon couple, you know. They're so shy.

Mrs. Todhunter: Why did you do that?

Mr. Todhunter: We don't want people staring at us.

Mrs. Todhunter: Anyone would think the whole legal profession was dunning you.

Mr. Todhunter: Well, one would be enough.

Mrs. Todhunter: You even thought that beggar in Damascus was a barrister in disguise.

Mr. Todhunter: l merely said his face was distinguished enough for a judge.

Mrs. Todhunter: You hurried off in the opposite direction, I noticed.

Mr. Todhunter: That's not true. I was looking for “a street called ‘Straight’.”

Mrs. Todhunter: You weren't so careful the first two days.

Mr. Todhunter: I know, I know.

Mrs. Todhunter: And anyway, you think you see someone. What about me? Robert thinks I'm cruising with Mother.

Miss Froy: If one is feeling a little shaky, I always think it's best to sit in the middle of the coach, preferably facing the engine.

Miss Froy [to a waiter]: A pot of tea, please.

Waiter: Very good.

Miss Froy: [to the waiter] And just a minute. Will you please tell them to make it from this? I don't drink any other. And make absolutely sure the water is really boiling. Do you understand? [to Iris] It's a little fad of mine. My dear father and mother, who I am thankful to say are still alive, and enjoying good health, invariably drink it. And so I follow their footsteps. You know, a million Mexicans drink it. At least that's what it says on the packet.

Iris: lt's very kind of you to help me like this. I don't think we've introduced ourselves. My name's Iris Henderson. I'm going home to be married.

Miss Froy: Really? How very exciting. I do hope you'll be happy.

Iris: Thank you.

Miss Froy: You'll have children, won't you? They make such a difference. I always think it's being with kiddies so much that's made me, if I may say so, so young for my age. I'm a governess, you know. My name's Froy.

Train whistle blows loudly.

Iris: Did you say Freud?

Miss Froy: No. O-Y, not E-U-D. Froy.

Iris: l'm sorry l can't hear.

Miss Froy: [inaudibly] Froy. [Writes it with her finger on the window.] It rhymes with joy.

The waiter brings the tea.

Miss Froy: Thank you. Please reserve two places for lunch, that is, if you'd care to have it with me.

Charters: There’s nothing moot about it […] wasn't out, that’s all. But for the umpire's blunder he'd probably still be batting.

Caldicott: What do you mean? I don’t understand.

Charters: I’ll show you, look here. I saw the whole thing. [dumps bowl of sugar cubes on the table to reconstruct the field of play] Now then: there's Hammond, there's the bowler, and there's the umpire.

Miss Froy: Sugar?

Iris: Two please.

Miss Froy: Dear me. There is no sugar.

Charters: Now watch this very, very carefully, Caldicott. Grimmett was bowling.

Miss Froy: May I trouble you for the sugar, please?

Charters: What?

Miss Froy: The sugar, please.

[Charters and Caldicott are put out to return the sugar cubes to the bowl, and Charters disdainfully gives the bowl to Miss Froy.]

Miss Froy: Thank you so much.

[Miss Froy escorts Iris back to their compartment]

Miss Froy: Now if I were you I'd try to get a little sleep. It'll make you feel quite well again! There's a most intriguing acrostic in the Needlewoman. I'm going to try and unravel it before you wake up.

[The two settle into the compartment with the four other passengers; Miss Froy starts her acrostic, humming the tune; Iris nods off. Montage of train’s forward motion. Iris wakes up to train whistle and Miss Froy is not in her seat.]

Steward: Reservations for lunch, please. [speaks with the passengers, Iris last.]

Steward: Madame has booked for lunch?

Iris: I think my friend did. She's got the tickets.

Iris [to the man in the beret and leather jacket, after looking outside the compartment]: Have you seen my friend?

Signor Doppo: No?

Iris: My friend, where is she? [The man spreads his hands in response.] La signora inglese? The English lady? Where is she?

Baroness Athona: [in German-accented English] There has been no English lady here.

Iris: What?

Baroness Athona: [repeats] There has been no English lady here.

Iris: There has. She sat there in the corner. You saw her yourself, she sat next to you. But it’s ridiculous. She took me to the dining car, and came back here with me.

Baroness Athona: You went. You came back alone.

Iris: Maybe you don't understand. I mean, the lady who looked after me when I was knocked out.

Signor Doppo: Ah, perhaps it making you forget, eh?

Iris: Maybe it did, but if this is some sort of a joke, I'm afraid I don't see the point.

[Iris leaves compartment to find the steward]

Iris: Oh steward, you served me tea just now.

Steward: Yes, Madame.

Iris: Have you seen the lady l was with? The English Lady?

Steward: But Madame was alone.

Waiter: Pardon, Madame, he make mistake.

Iris: Well of course! He must remember the little English lady. She ordered tea and paid for it.

Steward: No, it was you who paid for it.

[The waiter and steward exchange comments in Bandrikan.]

Waiter: He say look at the bill. I will look, Madame.

Iris: She gave you a special packet of tea. You can’t have forgotten that.

Steward: The tea was ours. I received no packet.

Iris: But you did. I know what happened.

Steward: Pardon, Madame, the bill. Tea for one.

Iris: But that's not right.

Steward: Perhaps Madame would care to examine the bills herself?

Iris: No. The whole thing's too absurd.

[Iris passes through the train looking for Miss Froy. She bumps into a man]

Iris: Please, have you seen a lady pass through?

Gilbert: Well, if it isn’t Old Stinker! If I’d have thought you were going to be on this train, I would have stayed a week at the hotel. Lady? No, why?

Iris: It doesn't matter. You probably wouldn't recognise one anyway.

George: [noticing Iris shaky on her pins] Hello?

Gilbert: Feeling queer? lt's that pipe of yours, George. Why don't you throw your old socks away? Anyway, thanks for the help just the same. Come on, sit down, take it easy. What's the trouble?

Iris: If you must know, something fell on my head.

Gilbert: When? lnfancy?

Iris: At the station.

Gilbert: Bad luck! Can I help?

Iris: Only by going away.

Gilbert: Oh, no, no, no: My father always taught me, never desert a lady in trouble. He even carried that as far as marrying Mother.

Iris: I say, did you see a little lady last night in the hotel in tweeds?

Gilbert: I saw one little lady, but she was hardly in tweeds.

Iris: Yes, but she was in my compartment, and now I can't find her.

Gilbert: She must still be on the train. We haven't stopped since it started.

Iris: Of course she’s still on the train. I know that.

Gilbert: All right. Nobody said she isn't.

Iris: But that's just what they all say.

Gilbert: Who?

Iris: The people in the compartment and the steward. They insist they never saw her.

Gilbert: All of them?

Iris: All of them.

Gilbert: You were saying you got a knock on the head?

Iris: What do you mean?

Gilbert: Never mind. Do you talk the lingo?

Iris: No.

Gilbert: Oh well, they probably thought you were trying to borrow some money. Come on, let's knock the idea out of their stupid heads. A most unfortunate remark: I beg your pardon.

[In the corrodor, we see Dr. Egon Hartz, a well-dressed middle-aged foreigner, speaking with Signor Doppo.]

Iris: That's one of them. The little dark man.

Gilbert: I say, excuse me, I think we have a little misunderstanding. This lady seems to have lost her friend.

Dr. Hartz: Yes, I have heard. The gentleman has been explaining to me. Most interesting. And I think under the circumstances we shall all introduce ourselves.

Signor Doppo: I am ltalian chit-izen. [gestures into compartment] My wife and child.

Gilbert: How do you do. Bonny little chap. How old is he?

Signor Doppo: [Begins in Italian, and then] and the lady in the corner is the Baroness Athona.

Gilbert: Oh yes, l met her husband. He presented prizes at the Folk Dances Festival. Minister of Propaganda.

Dr. Hartz: And I am Dr Egon Hartz of Prague. You may have heard of me.

Gilbert: Not the brain specialist?

Dr. Hartz: The same.

Gilbert: You flew over to England the other day to operate on one of our cabinet ministers.

Dr. Hartz: Yes.

Gilbert: Tell me, did you find anything?

Dr. Hartz: A slight cerebral contusion.

Gilbert: That's better than nothing.

Dr. Hartz: I am picking up a similar case at the next station, but more complicated. I shall operate at the National Hospital tonight. Among other things a cranial fracture with completion. You understand?

Gilbert: Yes, a wallop on the bean.

Iris: l suppose you haven't seen my friend?

Dr. Hartz: Unfortunately, no.

Gilbert: l'll just take a word with the Baroness.

(Gilbert enters compartment and speaks with the Baroness in Bandrikan; the young woman with the boy—Signora Doppo—replies in Spanish ‘No. No la vista’.)

Iris: What do they say?

Gilbert: Well, they both say they've never seen her.

Iris: That's not true. She was sitting where you are.

Dr. Hartz: Can you describe her?

Iris: Well, it's difficult. You see, she was rather middle-aged and ordinary.

Gilbert: What was she wearing?

Iris: Tweeds, oatmeal flecked with brown, a three-quarter coat with patch pockets, a scarf, felt hat, brown shoes, a truffle shirt, and a small blue handkerchief in her breast pocket. l can't remember any more.

Gilbert: You could have been paying attention. You both went along to tea?

Iris: Yes.

Gilbert: Well, surely you met somebody.

Iris: Perhaps we did, but wait a moment. Let me think. Oh yes, there was an Englishman who passed the sugar.

Gilbert: Right you are. Now let’s go along and dig him out.

Dr. Hartz: Pardon me: May l come with you? This is most interesting to me.

Gilbert: We don't like people muscling in, but we'll make you a member.

Iris: Wait a moment. There was somebody else. As we passed this compartment, Miss Froy stumbled in and there was a tall gentleman and a lady.

Gilbert: All right, now we are getting somewhere. lf we can really find someone else who saw her, we’ll have the place searched.

Mr. Todhunter: Can l be of any assistance?

Iris: That's the gentleman.

Gilbert: Do you happen to remember seeing this young lady pass with a little English woman?

Mr. Todhumter: l'm, I’m afraid not.

Iris: You must have! She almost fell into your compartment. Surely you haven't forgotten. lt's very important. Everybody's saying she wasn't on the train, but I know she is. And l'm going to find her, even if l have to stop the train to do this.

Charters (knocking on WC door): Caldicott, this is Charters. Can l come in? You know that girl we saw at the hotel, she's back there kicking up a devil of a fuss, says she lost her friend.

Caldicott: She hasn't been in here, old man.

Charters: But the point is, she’s threatened to stop the train.

Caldicott: Lord!

Charters: lf we miss our connection in Basle, we'll never make Manchester in time.

Caldicott: This is serious.

Charters: Let's hide in there.

Mr. Todhunter: l haven't the faintest recollection. You must be making a mistake.

Gilbert (to Iris): Well, he obviously doesn't remember. Let's go look for the other fellow.

Mrs. Todhunter (inside the compartment): Who were you talking to outside?

Mr. Todhunter: Oh nobody. Just some people in the corridor, arguing.

Iris: There he is. That's the man.

Gilbert: Oh, oh, I say, I’m so sorry. l wonder if you can help us.

Charters: How?

Iris: I was having tea about an hour ago with an English lady. You saw her, didn't you?

Charters: Well, I don't know, I mean, I was talking to my friend, wasn't I?

Caldicott: Indubitably.

Iris: Yes, but you were sitting at the next table. She turned and borrowed the sugar. You must remember.

Charters: Oh yes, I recall passing the sugar.

Iris: Well then you saw her.

Charters: I repeat we were deep in conversation. We were discussing cricket.

Iris: Well, I don't see how a thing like cricket can make you forget seeing people.

Charters: Oh, don't you? If that's your attitude, there's nothing more to be said! Come Caldicott. "A thing like cricket!"

Gilbert: Wrong tactics. We should've told him we were looking for a lost cricket ball.

Iris: Yes, but he spoke to her. There must be some explanation.

Dr. Hartz: There is. Please forgive me. l'm quite possibly wrong, but l have known cases where a sudden shock or blow has induced the most vivid impressions.

Iris: l understand. You don't believe me.

Dr. Hartz: lt's not a question of belief. Even a simple concussion may have curious effects upon an imaginative person.

Iris: But l can remember every little detail. Her name. Miss Froy. Everything.

Dr. Hartz: So interesting. You know, if one had time, one could trace the cause of the hallucination.

Gilbert: Hallucination?

Dr. Hartz: Oh, precisely. There is no Miss Froy. There never was Miss Froy. Merely a very subjective image.

Iris: But l met her last night at the hotel.

Dr. Hartz: You thought you did.

Iris: What about the name?

Dr. Hartz: Oh, sometimes associations, an advertisement, or a character in a novel subconsciously remembered. No, there is no reason to be frightened, if you are quiet and relaxed.

Iris: Thank you very much.

Dr. Hartz (pulls down a window and looks outside the train): Dravake. lf you will excuse me, this where my patient comes aboard. Excuse me. Most interesting.

Gilbert: Stopping?

Iris: This is our first stop, isn't it? Then Miss Froy must still be on the train. You look out of this window and see if she gets off this side. l'll take the other.

Gilbert: [ironically, with an accent: ‘Orsy-dorsey’] What was she dressed in? Scotch tweeds wasn't it?

Iris: Oatmeal tweeds.

Gilbert: Oh, I knew it had something to do with porridge.

Dr. Hartz gets off the train in Dravake, meets a party with a body wrapped in a blanket on a gurney, accompanied by a nun. Gilbert watches them load a body on a stretcher on the train. Iris sees nothing on the other side. The Todhunters are in the next compartment. 

Mrs. Todhunter: How long does it take to get a divorce? Eric?

Mr. Todhunter: l beg your pardon, I wasn't listening.

Mrs. Todhunter: I said, how long does it take to get a divorce?

Mr. Todhunter: Well that depends. Why?

Mrs. Todhunter: l was only wondering if we could take our honeymoon next spring, I mean, the official one.

Mr. Todhunter: The difficulties are considerable. For one thing, the courts are very crowded just now. Although, l suppose we barristers ought not to complain about that. As a matter of fact, with conditions as they are now, my chances of becoming a judge are very rosy. That is, if nothing untoward occurs.

Mrs. Todhunter: Such as you being mixed up in a divorce case yourself?

Mr. Todhunter: Yes.

Mrs. Todhunter: ln the first careless rapture of yours, you said you didn't care what happened.

Mr. Todhunter: My dear, you must think of it from my point of view. The law, like Caesar's wife, must be above all suspicion.

Mrs. Todhunter: Even when the law spends six weeks with Caesar's wife?

Mr. Todhunter: Look here!

Mrs. Todhunter: Now l know why you are running around like a scared rabbit, and why you lied so elaborately a few minutes ago.

Mr. Todhunter: l lied?

Mrs. Todhunter: Yes, to those people in the corridor. I heard every word you said.

Mr. Todhunter: lt was merely that I didn't wish to be mixed up in any enquiry.

Mrs. Todhunter: Enquiry? Just because a little woman can't be found?

Mr. Todhunter: That girl was making a fuss. If the woman had disappeared, and l'd admitted to seeing her, we might have become vital witnesses. My name might even appear in the papers, coupled with yours. Why, a scandal that might lead anywhere, anywhere.

Mrs. Todhunter: Yes, l suppose it might.

(Train pulls out of Dravake station.)

Gilbert: Nobody?

Iris: Nobody.

Gilbert: The only thing that came out my side was two bits of orange peel and a paper bag.

Iris: l know there's a Miss Froy. She's as real as you are.

Gilbert: That's what you say and you believe it. But there isn't anybody else who has seen her.

Mrs. Todhunter: l saw her, l think.

Iris: You did?

Mrs. Todhunter: A little woman in tweeds.

Iris: Yes.

Mrs. Todhunter: Wearing a three-quarter coat.

Iris: With a scarf.

Mrs. Todhunter: That's right. l saw her when you went past the compartment.

Iris: l knew l was right. But your husband said he didn't see her.

Mrs. Todhunter: Well, he didn't notice, but as soon as he mentioned it, l remembered at once.

Gilbert (to Iris): You win. You know, this calls for action, really. (to Mrs. Todhunter) Are you prepared to make a statement?

Mrs. Todhunter: Of course, if it helps.

Dr. Hartz: Pardon, my patient has just arrived. A most fascinating complication.

Iris: We have news for you. This lady actually saw Mrs. Froy.

Dr. Hartz: Saw?

Gilbert: Are we are going to have the train searched?

Iris: You are going to have to think of a fresh theory now, doctor.

Dr. Hartz: lt is not necessary. My theory was a perfectly good one. The facts were misleading. I hope you will find your friend. Excuse me.

Mrs. Todhunter: l'll be in here if you want me.

Gilbert: That’s all right. (to Iris) Come along.

(Inside the Todhunter’s compartment.)

Mrs. Todhunter: Eric, I was only going to mention that l told that girl l'd seen her friend.

Mr. Todhunter: What’s that? Have you taken leave of your senses?

Mrs. Todhunter: On the contrary, l've come to them.

Mr. Todhunter: What do you mean?

Mrs. Todhunter: lf there is a scandal, there'll be a divorce. You couldn't let me down, could you. You'd have to do the decent thing as reluctantly as only you know how.

Mr. Todhunter: You forgot one very important thing, Margaret. Your husband would divorce you, no doubt. But whatever happens, my wife will never divorce me.

(Back in the train corridor.)

Gilbert (to conductor): Well, it may seem crazy to you, but I’m telling you, you're going to search the train.

Signor Doppo: Ah signorina, down there, they look for you. Your friend, she come back.

Iris: Come back?

Signor Doppo: Si, si.

Iris: But what happened?

Signor Doppo: Ah, you go see. She tell you. Scusi.

Gilbert (to conductor): All right, you can relax. The crisis is over. Come on, let's join the lady. (Gilbert and Iris return to Iris’s compartment.)

Iris: Miss Froy. (Another, younger woman dressed in Miss Froy’s clothes turns around) That isn't Miss Froy.

Gilbert: lsn't it?

Iris: No.

Gilbert: I say, it's silly of me to say, but are you Miss Froy?

Mme Kummer: No, l am Madame Kummer (completes sentence in Bandrikan).

Gilbert: She says she helped you into the carriage after you got the bip on the head, and then went to see some friends.

(Baroness Athona adds something to Gilbert in Bandrikan.)

Gilbert: The Baroness says that as you spoke of an English lady, she didn't connect her with Mme Kummer.

Iris: But she wasn't the lady I saw. It was Miss Froy.

Gilbert: Oatmeal tweeds, blue handkerchief...

Iris: Yes, it's all the same, but it isn't her.

Dr. Hartz: I beg your pardon, when did you say you first met this Miss Froy?

Iris: Last night at the hotel.

Dr. Hartz: Was she wearing a costume like this?

Iris: Yes, l think so.

Dr. Hartz: Then l apologise. You did meet her. But not on this train. ln your subconscious mind you substituted for the face of Mme Kummer that of Miss Froy.

Iris: But I didn’t! I couldn't have, I tell you. I talked to her here.

Gilbert: Well, that’s easily settled, there's an Englishwoman on the train who said she saw her. lf the lady wouldn't mind. (Gilbert addresses Mme Kummer in Bandrikan, who replies and leaves the compartment with Gilbert, Iris and the doctor.)

Gilbert: Eh bon, apres vous madame. (to Dr. Hartz) What a gift for languages a fellow gets.

Gilbert (to Mrs. Todhunter): ls this the woman you saw?

Iris: lt isn't a bit like her, is it?

Mrs. Todhunter: (after a hestitation) Yes, she's the woman.

Iris: But it isn't. l tell you, it isn't.

Gilbert: Are you sure?

Mrs. Todhunter: Perfectly.

Iris: She isn't. She isn't.

(Mme Kummer says something to Gilbert, in Bandrikan.)

Gilbert: Come on then (to Iris, and to the Todhunters) l'm so sorry to have troubled you.

Mrs. Todhunter (to Mr. Todhunter after they leave): Well, aren't you going to say anything? You might at least gloat, if nothing else.

Mr. Todhunter: What am l expected to say? You only did it to save your own skin.

Iris (back in the corridor): She was lying, l saw it in her face. They’re all lying. But why? Why?

Gilbert: I don’t know. Why don't you sit down and take it easy.

Iris: Do you believe this nonsense about substituting Miss Froy’s face for Mme Kummer’s?

Gilbert: Well l think any change would be an improvement.

Iris: Listen, Miss Froy was on this train, I know that she was, and nothing will convince me otherwise. Must you follow me round like a pet dog?

Gilbert: Well let’s say a watch dog. I’ve got all the better instincts.

Iris: Good bye. (enters her compartment and shuts the door. Images of Miss Froy’s face fit to each of her four adult fellow passengers’ faces.)

Iris (back in the corridor, to Gilbert): The doctor was right. You’re all right: I never saw Miss Froy on the train. It didn't happen, l know now.

Gilbert: Glad you didn’t have to take it like that. What you want to do it to forget all about it. Just make your mind a blank. You know, watch me, you can't go wrong. What about a spot of something to eat?

Iris: Anything.

Gilbert: That's it, come along. (They go together to the dining car)

Gilbert: Would you like a little air?

Iris: Thanks. (Gilbert opens the window a crack, and we see Miss Froy’s ‘FROY’ appears on the glass where she wrote it—but neither Gilbert nor Iris see it.)

Gilbert: Could you eat something?

Iris: l could try.

Gilbert: That's the spirit. You'll feel a different girl tomorrow.

Iris: l hope so. l don't want to meet my fiancé a nervous wreck.

Gilbert: Your what?

Iris: l'm being married on Thursday.

Gilbert: Quite sure you're not imagining that?

Iris: Positive.

Gilbert: Oh, l was afraid so. Ah, food.

Iris: l couldn't face it.

Gilbert: Well do your best. Do you mind if l talk with my mouth full?

Iris: lf you must.

Gilbert: Well now, would you like to hear about my early life?

Iris: l don't think so.

Gilbert: Since you press me, l'll begin with my father. You know, it's remarkable how many great men began with their fathers. Something to drink?

Iris: No. Oh yes. (to the waiter) A cup of tea, please.

Gilbert (in Bandrikan to the waiter. Then to Iris): You know, my father was a colourful character. Amongst other things, he was strongly addicted to, you'll never guess…

Iris: Harriman's Herbal Tea.

Gilbert: No, double scotches.

Iris: A million Mexicans drink it.

Gilbert: Maybe they do, but Father didn't.

Iris: Miss Froy gave a packet to the waiter.

Gilbert: A packet of what?

Iris: Harriman's Herbal Tea. She said it was the only sort she liked.

Gilbert: We agreed you were going to make your mind a complete blank.

Iris: lt's so real. l'm sure it happened.

Gilbert: Did we or did we not?

Iris: We did. Sorry. Go on telling me about your father.

Gilbert: Well, my father was a very remarkable man.

Iris: Did he play the clarinet?

Gilbert: He did. In fact he never put it down unless it became absolutely necessary. l couldn't help inheriting his love of music.

Iris: Why not?

Gilbert: That was all he left me. You're remarkably attractive. Has anyone ever told you?

Iris: We were discussing you.

Gilbert: Yes, of course. Do you like me?

Iris: Not much.

Gilbert: Well, after I’d paid my father's debts, I started to travel, and too late trying to cash the cheques. At the moment I’m writing a book on folk dancing. Would you like to buy a copy?

Iris: l'd love to. When does it see the light of day?

Gilbert: ln about four years.

Iris: That's a very long time.

Gilbert: lt's a very long book. Do you know why you fascinate me? l'll tell you. You have the great qualities l used to admire in my father. You haven’t any manners at all, and you're always seeing things. What's the matter?

Iris (sees the ‘FROY’ written on the train window): Look!

(Train whistle blows as the train passes through a tunnel; steam clears the image away as the train comes out the other side of the tunnel.)

Iris: lt's gone!

Gilbert: What's gone?

Iris: Miss Froy's name on the window! You saw it! You must have seen it. She's on the train.

Gilbert: Steady! Steady!

Iris: No, no: we've got to find her. Something's happening to her. Stop the train! (To the other passengers in the dining car) Listen everybody. There's a woman on the train, Miss Froy. Some of you must have seen her. Theyre’ hiding her somewhere. l appeal to you, all of you, to stop the train. (Dr. Hartz approaches her.) Please help me. Please make them stop the train. Do you hear? Why don’t you do something before it's too late! l know you think l'm crazy, but l'm not. I’m not! For heaven's sake, stop this train. (Both Dr. Hartz and Gilbert hold her arms.) Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

(Iris pulls the handbrake, stopping the train. Scene moves to Charters and Caldicott’s compartment.)

Charters: Ten minutes late thanks to that sordid girl. She gets up to any more of her tricks and we shall be too late for the last day of the match.

Caldicott: I suppose you couldn't put it to her in some way.

Charters: What?

Caldicott: Well, people just don't vanish and so forth.

Charters: She has.

Caldicott: What?

Charters: Vanished.

Caldicott: Who?

Charters: The old dame.

Caldicott: Yes.

Charters: Well?

Caldicott: But how could she?

Charters: What?

Caldicott: Vanish.

Charters: l don't know.

Caldicott: That just explains my point. People just don't disappear into thin air.

Charters: lt's done in lndia.

Caldicott: What?

Charters: The rope trick.

Caldicott: Oh that. It never comes out in a photograph.

(Scene in Iris compartment, Dr. Hartz holding her hand, consoling her.)

Dr. Hartz: Look now, in half an hour we stop at Morsken, just before the border. l will leave there with my patient for the National Hospital. lf you will come with me, you could stay overnight in a private ward. You need peace and rest.

Iris: Sorry, nothing doing.

Gilbert: lsn't there anything we can do?

Iris: Yes, find Miss Froy.

Dr. Hartz (privately, to Gilbert, in the corridor): l tell you, my friend, if she does not rest, l will not answer for her. It will be best if you persuade her. She likes you.

Gilbert: l'm about as popular as a dose of strychnine.

Dr. Hartz: lf you coat with sugar, she may swallow it.

(Gilbert, idles with a pipe in the corridor. A cook farther forward, throws a large bowl of refuse out the window. Gilbert notices part of Miss Froy’s Harriman’s Herbal Tea packet momentarily stick to the window. He returns to Iris’s compartment.)

Gilbert: Cosmopolitan train. People of all nations. I’ve just seen at least a million Mexicans in the corridor. Well I thought I’d look in to tell you to think over what Dr. Hartz said. If you feel like changing your mind, l'll be hanging around.

Iris (to Gilbert, alone together in the corridor): What's the mystery?

Gilbert: You're right. Miss Froy is on this train. l've just seen the packet of tea that you were talking about. They chucked it out with the rubbish.

Iris: You're a trifle late. She may be dead by now.

Gilbert: Makes me shiver (changes subject when Mme Kummer passes by) an English summer. l remember once spending a bank holiday at Brighton. We’ve got to search this train. There's something definitely queer in the air.

(Gilbert and Iris pass through the train, ending in a baggage car.)

Gilbert: lt looks like a supply service for trunk murderers.

Iris (noticing a large wicker basket tied with a rope moving): What's that?

Gilbert: All right, Miss Froy, It’s only us.

Iris: Hurry up. Quickly.

Gilbert (they laugh, finding a calf in the basket): Maybe it's Miss Froy, bewitched: you don’t know. Well anyway, I refuse to be discouraged. Faint heart never found old lady. By the way, do you know anything about her?

Iris: No. Only that she is a governess going back home. (Gilbert taps on a large crate.) What is this thing?

Gilbert: Can't imagine. There might be something down here.

Iris (inadvertently knocks an objects out of the way to reveal a life-sized image of Signor Doppo—a magician): What on earth!

Gilbert: Our ltalian friend. l've got it. Wait a minute. There you are: “The Great Doppo”—his visiting card (unrolls a poster for his act) Look!

Iris: What's it say?

Gilbert: “The Great Doppo. Magician, illusionist, mind reader” et cetera et cetera. Then you see his fascinating act, “The Vanishing Lady.”

Iris: “The Vanishing Lady”?

Gilbert: Perhaps that's the explanation.

Iris: What?

Gilbert: Maybe he's practising on Miss Froy.

Iris: Or perhaps it's a publicity stunt.

Gilbert: No. I don’t think that would account for the Baroness or Mme Kummer.

Iris: What's your theory?

Gilbert: l don't know. My theory? I'll tell you. (A basket of pigeons opens)

Iris: Oh dear. I can't get this one.

(Gilbert discovers and then looks inside a magician’s ‘trick’ disappearing cabinet.)

Iris: Where are you?

Gilbert: In here, with a stifling smell of camphor balls.

Iris: l can't see you. (She enters cabinet.)

Gilbert: l'm about somewhere (exiting cabinet after making Iris disappear): Here l am. Where are you?

Iris (from inside): l don't know.

Gilbert: That's what comes of not saying Abracadabra. (The inside rotates again, producing a rabbit in front and throwing Iris out the back.)

Iris: Ohhh!

Gilbert: Are you hurt?

Iris: Not much.

Gilbert: Come and sit down over here.

Iris: What is this thing?

Gilbert: ln magic circles, we call it the disappearing cabinet. You get inside and vanish.

Iris: So l noticed. You were about to tell me your theory.

Gilbert: Oh, my theory (puts on a Sherlock Holmes-style deerstalker hat). Well, my theory, my dear Watson, is that we are in very deep waters indeed. (Iris hands him a calabash pipe) Thank you very much. Let us marshal our facts over a pipeful of Baker Street shag. In the first place, a little old lady disappears. Everyone that saw her promptly insists that she was never there at all. Right?

Iris: Right.

Gilbert: We know that she was. Therefore, they did see her. Therefore, they are lying. Why?

Iris: l don't know. l'm only Watson.

Gilbert: Don't bury yourself it the part. I’ll tell you why: because they daren't face an enquiry. Because Miss Froy's probably still somewhere on the train.

Iris: l told you that hours ago.

Gilbert: So you did. For that, my dear Watson, you shall have a Trichonoply cigar.

Iris: Thank you.

Gilbert: Now there's only one thing left to do. Search the train in disguise.

Iris: As what?

Gilbert: (he puts on a top hat) Old English gentleman.

Iris: They'd see through you.

Gilbert: Perhaps you're right. (puts on a schoolmaster’s mortarboard and pince nez glasses). Will Hay, for instance: “Now, boys, boys, which of you has stolen Miss Froy? Own up! Own up!”

Iris: Those glasses. Give them to me.

Gilbert: Why?

Iris: They're Miss Froy's.

Gilbert: Are you sure?

Iris: Yes, they're exactly the same. Gold-rimmed. Where did you find them?

Gilbert: Well down here on the floor. The glass is broken.

Iris: Well probably in the struggle.

Gilbert: Pick up the glass. Do you realise that this is our first piece of really tangible proof? That's the lot. (A hand from the sleeve of a leather coat snatches the glasses.)

Signor Doppo: Will you please give me those spectacles. They belong to me. My spectacles. Please! (Gilbert takes the glasses back.)

Gilbert: Yours? Are you sure? (Signor Doppo says something in Italian) No, naughty, naughty. You know that's a very large nose for a very small pair of spectacles. (Doppo and Gilbert struggle) So that’s the game, is it? We'll see about that. These are Miss Froy's glasses and you know it. She's been in here and you know that too… (Iris tries to help) Well don't stand hopping about there like a referee, co-operate. Kick him… That doesn't help… (Iris gets in the mix).

Gilbert (after they are all back on their feet, still struggling): He's got a knife! Get a hold of it before he cuts a slice off me!

Iris: l can't reach it. (She climbs on a suitcase to reach Doppo’s hand, bites his hand and the switchblade falls to the floor)

Gilbert: Well done. (Punches Signor Doppo into the disappearing cabinet.) We know how that thing works. Come out of there. (On the other side, Iris hits Signor Doppo on the head with a blunt object.)

Gilbert: ls he out, do you think? We've got to hide somewhere. l wonder what's in here?

Iris: Hurry up! Quick before he comes to.

Gilbert: (opens a casket-like wooden box with a hinged top) lt's empty. (Iris hits Signor Doppo again with the blunt object.) Here, bring him along. (They force him into the casket, slam the lid shut and sit on it.)

Iris: What's the matter?

Gilbert: Garlic. l'll be all right in a minute. Here, hold on to this. (Gilbert gets rope to tie the casket shut.)

Iris: Oh, yes.

Gilbert: Tie a knot. Ah well, we’re getting somewhere at last. We happen to know that Miss Froy was on this train, and we know that our friend in here had something to do with it. (Finishes tying knot.) That ought to keep him quiet until we find her. Hard work, but worth it. Let's have the evidence.

Iris: Evidence?

Gilbert: Yes, the glasses.

Iris: You've got them.

Gilbert: No, l haven't got them.

Iris: Oh... (looking at the casket)

Gilbert: He’s got them. (They look back into the casket).  

Iris: He isn't there.

Gilbert: Snookered. (knocks the back side of the casket open) lt's a false bottom. (looking at Signor Doppo’s act poster) “The twister”: He's a contortionist!

Iris: He's gone all right.

Gilbert: Yes, to find the others and make more trouble. We’re in a nasty jam here. We can't fight the whole train. We need allies.

Iris: But who can we trust?

Gilbert: That's the snag.

Iris: There's that Dr. Hartz person.

Gilbert: Yes, you're right. He might help. Let's tell him the symptoms.

Iris: All right. Wait a minute.

(Iris and Gilbert go back through the train to find Dr. Hartz.)

Gilbert: This is the one. (In Dr. Hartz’s compartment is a bandage-wrapped patient attended by a nun.) He's not there. (closes the compartment door) l've just had a particularly idiotic idea.

Iris: Oh, l can't believe that.

Gilbert: Suppose that patient in there is Miss Froy.

Iris: But it didn't come on the train until after Miss Froy disappeared?

Gilbert: Yes, that was an idiotic idea. Come on, let's find the doctor.

Iris: No, wait a minute.

Gilbert: What is it?

Iris: Did you notice anything wrong about that nun?

Gilbert: No.

Iris: l don't think she's a nun at all. They don't wear high heels. (Gilbert looks back inside the compartment.)

Gilbert: Yes, you're right. Did you see Mme Kummer get on the train?

Iris: No.

Gilbert: Well, supposing they decoyed Miss Froy into the luggage van and hid her there. At the first stop the patient comes abroad, head injury, all wrapped up. The patient is Mme Kummer. Mme Kummer becomes Miss Froy, and Miss Froy becomes that.

Iris: Yes, but why should they go to all this trouble to kidnap a little harmless governess?

Gilbert: lt isn't a governess at all. Perhaps it's some political thing. Let's investigate.

Gilbert (inside the compartment, to the nun): Parlez-vous français? Spreichen sie Deutsche? Şaka da Bandrikan? Well then, you'll just have to put up with this in English. Can we take a look at your patient, please? Thank you. (to Iris) Keep an eye on the nun. (Iris holds the nun while Gilbert starts to unwrap the patient.)

Dr. Hartz: What are you doing here? Why are you in here? This is a most serious accident case. You have no business to be here at all, neither of you.

Gilbert: Dr Hartz, we want you to undo the bandages and let us take a look at your patient’s face.

Dr. Hartz: Are you out of your senses? There is no face there. Nothing but lumps of raw flesh. Already the case has lost so much blood, nothing but a transfusion can save him. What do you want me to do? Murder my patient?

Gilbert: Are you quite sure that this is your patient?

Iris: We believe it's Miss Froy.

Dr. Hartz: Miss Froy? You can't be serious. Whatever put such an idea into your heads? (Dr. Hartz looks directly at the nun) l understand she is deaf and dumb.

Iris: But she may lip read.

Dr. Hartz. Oh, that's possible. Well that case, perhaps you will join me in the dining car? l'll be with you in a moment. l want to be certain my patient hasn't been disturbed.

(Gilbert and Iris leave. Behind the closed door, Dr. Hartz berates the nun in Bandrikan.)

Nun (in an East End accent): How do l know how they cottoned on? Somebody must have tipped them off. You never said the old girl was English.

Dr. Hartz: What difference does it make? In a few moments, l shall order three drinks in the dining car. Mine will be Chartreuse. Now one of the stewards is working for us. Listen carefully.

Charters: There's that girl again.

Caldicott: Seems to have recovered. Lucky it blew over.

Dr. Hartz: And now perhaps you'll tell me what it's all about?

Gilbert: Now listen, doctor, have you ever actually seen your patient?

Dr. Hartz: No, l merely received a message to pick the case up and operate at Morsken.

Gilbert: How do you know its not Miss Froy.

Iris: We believe there's been a substitution, doctor.

Dr, Hartz: Do you really mean to say that someone has (Gilbert tries to stop doctor when a waiter arrives) l want a green chartreuse. Won't you join me?

Gilbert: Oh thanks. I'll have a glass of brandy.

Dr. Hartz: And you?

Iris: I don’t want anything.

Gilbert: Oh come on. It'll do you good.

Iris: No really, I’m okay.

Dr. Hartz: You are very tired. It will pick you up.

Iris: All right then, just a small one.

Dr. Hartz: Two brandies and a Chartreuse.

Gilbert: Tell me, do you know anything about the nun who is looking after your patient?

Dr. Hartz: Nun? No. She is from the convent close to where the accident occurred.

Gilbert: Don't you think it’s rather peculiar that she's wearing high-heeled shoes?

Dr. Hartz: Oh, is she? That is rather curious, isn't it?

Iris: A conspiracy. That's all it can be. All these people on the train say they haven't seen Miss Froy, but they have. We know that, because just now in the luggage van...

Charters: She's off again!

Caldicott: I hope she doesn’t create another scene. Puts a lid on our getting back in time, if she did.

Iris: Then this fellow from the carriage, Doppo is his name, he came along and grabbed the glasses.

Gilbert: Then we went for him and had a bit of a fight.

Dr. Hartz: Oh, a fight?

Iris: We knocked him out.

Dr, Hartz: Oh. (The leather-jacketed Signor Doppo pauses as he passes by the table, smiling and nodding.) He seems to have made a speedy recovery.

Gilbert: Yes. All that's just bluff.

Dr. Hartz (offering waiter a tip and a knowing glance): Here

Waiter: Grazie. (Signor Doppo turns again to smile, and then leaves dining car.)

Dr. Hartz: How could he be involved in a conspiracy? Look at him, the poor fellow. He's just a harmless traveller.

Gilbert: He's also a music hall artist making a tour of Bandrika.

Dr. Hartz: Well?

Gilbert: Well the Baroness's husband is Minister of Propaganda. One word from her and his tour would be cancelled.

Dr. Hartz: Oh, l see.

Gilbert: And as for the stewards, they would get a nice cosy brick wall to lean up against.

Dr. Hartz: But tell me about the two English travellers. They also denied seeing her.

Gilbert: Just British diplomacy, doctor. Never climb a fence if you can sit on it. An old Foreign Office proverb.

Dr. Hartz: What I cannot understand is why should someone want to dispose of the old lady?

Gilbert: Well, that’s just what stumps us. But all we know is that she was here on this train, and now she's gone.

Dr. Hartz: Well, if you are right, it means the whole train is against us.

Iris: What are you going to do?

Dr. Hartz: Well, in view of what you've just told me, l shall risk examining the patient. (Gilbert jumps up from the table.) One moment: we mustn't act suspiciously. Behave as if nothing had happened. Drink, that'll steady your nerves. To our health. And may our enemies, if they exist, be unconscious of our purpose. (They drink) Let's go. We must hurry now. (to Iris) Come on, drink up.

Dr. Hartz (puts Gilbert and Iris in the compartment next to where the patient is) Wait in here. There you are.

(Dr. Hartz returns alone to see patient.)

Nun: Anything wrong?

Dr. Hartz: Nothing. Except they noticed you were wearing high heels. However, it makes no difference. We shall reach Morsken in three minutes. Quite an eventful journey.

Iris: Well?

Dr. Hartz: Yes, the patient is Miss Froy. She will be taken off the train at Morsken in about 3 minutes. She will be removed to the hospital there and operated on. Unfortunately, the operation will not be successful. Oh, l should perhaps have explained, the operation will be performed by me. (Gilbert makes a move, Dr. Hartz quickly gestures with a pistol in his right jacket pocket.) Hmm. You see, l am in this “conspiracy” as you term it. You are a very alert young couple, but it's quite useless for you to think that you will find a way out of your dilemma. The drinks you had just now, l regret to say, contained a quantity of hydrocin. For your benefit, hydrocin is a very little known drug which has the effect, in a small quantity, of paralysing the brain and rendering the victim unconscious for a considerable period. ln slightly a larger quantity, of course, it induces madness. However you have my word that the dose was a normal one. In a very few moment now you will join your young friend. Need l say how sorry l am, having to take such a, how should I say it, melodramatic course. But your persistent meddling made it necessary.

Gilbert: Are you all right? You must have fainted.

Iris: Did I?

Gilbert: Listen, there is a woman next door going to be murdered, and we've got to get moving before this stuff takes effect.

Iris: I did read once that if you keep on the go you can stay awake.

Gilbert: Right, come on, let's get going (tries the door adjoining the next compartment). lt's locked (tries the corridor door). We can't go that way. We'll be spotted (heads for the window).

Iris: You can't do that!

Gilbert: Don't worry, it's only next door. You carry on keeping fit, touch your toes, stand your head, do anything, only whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. (Goes out the window to the next compartment where Miss Froy and the nun are.)

Nun: Go on: you needn't be afraid (Gilbert starts unwrapping Miss Froy of bandages). It is Miss Froy. lt's all right, you haven't been drugged. He told me to put something in your drinks but l didn't do it.

Gilbert: Who the devil are you? He said you were deaf and dumb.

Nun: Never mind about that now. If you want to save her you've got to hurry. (Gilbert unwraps Miss Froy.) Hartz’ll will be back in a minute. What’s going to happen then?

Gilbert: We can hold them off until we’re past Morsken. The frontier's a few miles beyond the station.

(Mme Kummer returns to the compartment. Gilbert overpowers her and they use her to take Miss Froy’s place on the gurney.)

Nun: Come on, there's still time. (They fix Mme Kummer up to take Miss Froy’s place.)

(We see Dr. Hartz paying off Signor Doppo with the Baroness looking on. Signor Doppo complains in Italian that the “500 solamente?” is too little after everything he had done. Dr. Hartz follows the Baroness’s order in Bandrikan to give him more.)

Gilbert: That's Morsken. Have you finished? Come on, Miss Froy (they go through the adjoining door to the next compartment where Iris is exercising to stay awake). Come on kid, you're not drugged. l'll explain later. Abracadabra.

Iris: Miss Froy, l can't believe it!

Miss Froy: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Gilbert (as Dr, Hartz approaches the compartment): Careful.

Dr. Hartz (to nun in the next compartment): Ready?

Nun: Yes. (Dr. Hartz goes through adjoining door to check on “drugged” Gilbert and Iris.)

Gilbert: Are you all right, Miss Froy?

Miss Froy: Yes, thank you. lt's rather like the rush hour on the underground.

Gilbert: It’s slowing down. (The train stops in Morsken and Gilbert and Iris watch Dr. Hartz direct the removal of his “case” from the train to an ambulance.)

Dr. Hartz (to his patient): l'm sorry you've had such an uncomfortable journey, Miss Froy. (He then notices that his “case” has the hair of a younger woman and discovers Mme Kummer under the bandages.)

Dr. Hartz (meeting the nun getting off the train): Get back on the train.

(Dr. Hartz then contacts station and train officers in the station.)

Iris: I hope nothing goes wrong. Aren't we stopping rather a long time?

Gilbert: The ambulance is going. We'll be off in a jiffy. (Dr. Hartz and an officer are shown watching a brakeman uncouple two railway carriages. Dr. Hartz boards as the train pulls out of the station.)

Gilbert: Another couple of minutes, we'll be over the border.

Nun (in response to the Baroness complaining in Bandrikan about her work): l've been well paid and l've done dirty work for it. But this was murder and she is an Englishwoman.

Baroness Athona: You are Bandrikan.

Nun: My husband was, but l'm English. And you were going to butcher her in cold blood.

Dr. Hartz: Your little diversion made it necessary not only to remove the lady in question, but two others as well.

Nun: You can't do that.

Dr. Hartz: Also, it would be unwise of us to permit the existence of anyone who cannot be trusted.

Nun: You wouldn't dare. I know too much.

Baroness Athona: Precisely.

Gilbert (back in the compartment): l think we're over the border now. You can come out, Miss Froy.

Miss Froy: Oh, bless me. What an unpleasant journey.

Gilbert: Never mind. You shall have a corner seat for the rest of the way. There you are. Now that it's over, I think you ought to tell us what it's all about.

(Scream from the next compartment.)

Gilbert: What was that scream?

Iris: Surely it was only the train whistle.

Gilbert: lt was the woman.

Iris: Be careful.

Gilbert (who sees that the rest of the train has been uncoupled): They’ve rumbled. We're on a branch line and they've slipped the rear part of the train.

Miss Froy: Oh dear, oh dear!

Gilbert: Oh dear, who are you, and why are these people going to these lengths to get hold of you?

Miss Froy: l haven't the faintest idea. I'm a children's governess, you know. I can only think they've made some terrible mistake.

Gilbert: Why are holding out on us? Tell us the truth. You got us involved in this fantastic plot you might at least trust us.

Miss Froy: l really don't know. I…

Gilbert: I wonder if there is anybody else left on the train.

Iris: There's only the dining car, but there won’t be anybody there now.

Gilbert: What do you make it? (looks at Iris’s watch) Tea time. All the English will be there. l'll have a look. Come on, we'd better stick together.

Charters: There's the old girl turned up.

Caldicott: Told you there was lots of fuss about nothing. Bolt must have jammed.

Gilbert: l've got something to say. Will you all please listen. An attempt has been made to abduct this lady by force. I have reason to believe that the people who did it are going to try again.

Charters: What's the fellow drivelling about?

Gilbert: If you don’t believe me, look out of the window. This train's been diverted to a branch line.

Mr. Todhunter: What are you talking about? Abduction, diverted trains...

Iris: We're telling you the truth.

Mr. Todhunter: l'm not the least interested. You've annoyed us long enough with your ridiculous story.

Charters: My dear chap, you must have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

Caldicott: Yes, things like this just don't happen.

Miss Froy: We're not in England now.

Caldicott: l don't see what difference that makes.

Iris: We're stopping.

Gilbert: Look: do you see those cars? They're here to take Miss Froy away.

Caldicott: Nonsense. Look: there go a couple of people. (We see Dr. Hartz and the Baroness walking toward the cars.) The cars obviously have come to pick them up.

Gilbert: Then why uncoupling the train and diverting it?

Charters: Uncoupling?

Gilbert: There's nothing left of the train beyond the sleeping car.

Caldicott: There must be. Our bags are in the First Class carriage.

Gilbert: Not any longer. Would you like to take a look?

Caldicott: lf this is a practical joke, l warn you l shan't think it very funny.

(The nun meets Caldicott and Gilbert at the door, tied up.)

Caldicott: Good Lord!

Gilbert: Get some of that brandy.

Charters: You don't suppose there's something in this fellow's story, Caldicott?

Caldicott: Seems a bit queer.

Charters: I mean, after all, people don't go about tying up nuns.

Iris: Someone's coming.

Mr. Todhunter: They can't possibly do anything to us. We're British subjects.

Bandrikan officer: l have come to offer our most sincere apologies. An extremely serious incident has occurred. An attempt has been made to interfere with passengers on this train. Fortunately it was brought to the notice of the authorities. And so if you will be good enough to accompany me to Morsken, l will inform the British Embassy at once. Ladies and gentlemen, the cars are at your disposal.

Caldicorr: We're very grateful. It's lucky some of you understand English.

Bandrikan officer: Well, l was at Oxford.

Charters: Really, so was l. What year?

Gilbert: Hold on, this woman is trying to say something. I don't understand the language but it may be important. Would you...

(Bandrikan officer bends down to get closer to the nun. Gilbert knocks him out with a chair.)

Gilbert: That's fixed him. (Iris shows concern) That's all right. He's only stunned.

Charters: What the blazes did you to that for?

Gilbert: Well l was at Cambridge.

Caldicott: What has that got to do with this? You heard what he said, didn't you?

Gilbert: l heard what she said. That was a trick to get us off the train.

Mr. Todhunter: l don't believe it. The man’s explanation was quite satisfactory.

Charters: A thing like that might cause a war.

(The steward from the train tells Dr. Hartz at the cars about what happened to the officer.)

Charters: l'm going outside to tell them what’s occurred. It's up to us to apologise and put the matter right.

(As Charters opens the door to leave the train, the Baroness orders an officer to fire at him, hitting his lower left hand. Charters returns to the dining car.)

Charters: You were right. (taking Caldicott’s pocket handkerchief) Do you mind?

Caldicott: Certainly.

Charters: Looks as if they mean business.

Mr. Todhunter: They can’t do anything. It would mean an international situation.

Miss Froy: It's happened before.

Iris: They're coming.

Nun: Don't let them in. They'll murder us. They daren't let us go now.

(Gilbert retrieves the unconscious officer’s pistol, and then lowers a window.)

Dr. Hartz: l order you to surrender at once.

Gilbert: Nothing doing. lf you come any nearer l'll fire.

Dr. Hartz: l've warned you. (Gilbert shoots one of the soldiers in the leg.)

Gilbert: Better take cover. They'll start any minute now.

Caldicott: Nasty jam this. Don't like the look of it.

Charters: Got plenty of ammunition.

Gilbert: Whole pouch full.

Charters: Good.

Caldicott (to Mr. Todhunter): Duck down, you.

Mr. Todhunter: l'm not going to fight. lt's madness.

Mrs. Todhunter: lt's safer to protest down here.

Gilbert: Hello, they're trying their way round to the other side.

Mr. Todhunter: You're behaving like a pack of fools. What chance have we got against a lot of armed men?

Caldicott: You heard what the Mother Superior said. lf we surrender now, we're in for it.

(Gilbert hits two approaching soldiers; riflemen fire a fusillade from the cars.)

Caldicott: Never get to the match now.

Mrs. Todhunter: Give it to me. (struggles with Mr. Todhunter) Give it to me.

Caldicott: What’s going on here?

Mrs. Todhunter: He's got a gun and he won't use it.

Caldicott: What's the idea?

Mr. Todhunter: l told you. I won't be a party to this sort of thing. I don't believe in fighting.

Caldicott: Pacifist, right?

Mr. Todhunter: [xxx] all right.

Caldicott: Early Christians tried it and got thrown to the lions. Come on, let’s go.

Mrs. Todhunter: l'm not afraid to use it.

Caldicott (taking the pistol from her): I’m probably more used to it. I once won a box of cigars.

Charters: He's talking rot. He's a damn good shot.

Caldicott: Hope the old hand hasn't lost it's cunning. You know, l'm awfully inclined to believe that there's some rational explanation to all this. (fires) Rotten shot, only knocked his hat off.

Miss Froy (to Gilbert): Would you mind if I talked to you for a minute?

Gilbert: What, now?

Miss Froy: Please forgive me, but it's very important.

Gilbert (to Charters): Hang on to this for me, will you?

Charters: All right. l'll hold the fort.

Miss Froy: We’ll be safer along here. (to Iris) You come too.

Miss Froy: l just wanted to tell you that l must be getting along now.

Iris: But you can’t. You'll never get away. You'll be shot down.

Miss Froy: l must take the risk. Listen carefully: In case l'm unlucky and you get through, I want you to take back a message to Mr. Callendar at the Foreign Office in Whitehall.

Iris: Then you are a spy.

Miss Froy: l always think that’s such a grim word.

Gilbert: What is the message?

Miss Froy: lt's a tune.

Gilbert: A tune.

Miss Froy: It contains, in code of course, the vital clause of a secret pact between two European countries. I want you to memorise it. The first part of it goes like this (she hums the time keeping time on her palm with one hand): Ta ta ta ta, ta ta dee dee… (shooting continues) Oh perhaps I'd better write it down. Have you got a piece of paper?

Gilbert: Oh don’t bother. I was brought up on music. I can memorise anything.

Miss Froy: Very well (she continues the tune).

Caldicott: The old girl's gone off her rocker.

Mr. Todhunter: Face it, those swines will go on firing till they kill the lot of us.

Mrs. Todhunter: For goodness sake, shut up, Eric.

Gilbert: Da de dum dum, da de de.

Miss Froy: Now we've got two chances instead of one.

Gilbert: You bet.

Miss Froy: You're sure you'll remember it?

Gilbert: Oh don’t worry, l won't stop whistling it.

Miss Froy: l guess this is my best way out?

Gilbert: Yes, just about.

Iris: But you may be hit, and even if you do get away they'll stop you at the frontier. (to Gilbert) We can't let her go like this!

Gilbert: Oh, this is a hell of a risk you’re taking.

Miss Froy: ln this job one must take risks. l'm very grateful to you both for all you've done. l do hope and pray no harm will come to you, and that we shall all meet again. One day.

Iris: l hope so too. Good luck.

Gilbert: Good luck.

Miss Froy: Will you help me out?

Gilbert: Yes, certainly. I can take the weight, you’re little; hang on; right you are, l've got you.

Iris: Goodbye. (Miss Froy sets off running into the woods.)

Iris: Was she hit?

Gilbert: l'm not sure.

Caldicott: Well, that’s the end of my twelve.

Charters: There's not much left here, either.

Gilbert: We've only got one chance. We've got to get this train going. Try to get back to the main line, and then try and cross the frontier.

Caldicott: That's a bit of a tall order. Those driver fellows are not likely to do as you tell them.

Gilbert: We'll bluff them with this. (he picks up Todhunter’s pistol) Who's coming?

Caldicott: You can count on me.

Charters: Me too.

Gilbert: We can't all go. (to Charters) You stay here and carry on. And if we have any luck, we'll stop the train when we reach the points, and you’ll jump out and switch them over.

Charters: Okay.

Mr. Todhunter: You idiots, you're just inviting death. l've had enough. Just because l have the sense to try and avoid being murdered, l'm accused of being a pacifist. All right: l'd rather be called a rat than die like one. Think it through: if we give ourselves up, they daren't murder us in cold blood. They're bound to give us a trial.

Mrs. Todhunter: Stop gibbering, Eric. Nobody's listening to you.

Mr. Todhunter: Very well: you go your way, l'll go mine.

Charters: Hey, where are you off to?

Mr. Todhunter: l'm doing the only sensible thing.

Charters: Oh let the fellow go if he wants to.

(Mr. Todhunter, waving a white handkerchief, is shot getting off the train. Meanwhile, we see Gilbert and Caldicott make their way to the engine.)

Mrs. Todhunter: Oh please! Why aren't we going? Why aren't we going? They said we were going. Why aren't we?

Iris: lf only he can get us away now. He must.

Charters: Only one left. I'll keep that for a fitter.

Iris: They're moving away from the cars. They're coming towards us.

Charters: Pity we haven't a few more rounds.

Mrs. Todhunter: lt's funny. l told my husband when l left him that l wouldn't see him again.

Iris: Gilbert! Gilbert! (Train jolts, starts to move backward.)

Charters: By gad, we're off.

Iris: This gives us a chance.

Gilbert: Go on, keep going.

(Bandrikans hit one the engineer. Cars take chase. Bandrikans hit the fireman.)

Caldicott: I say, do you know how to control this?

Gilbert: l watched the fellow start it. Anyway, l know something about it. Once drove a miniature engine in Dymchurch.

Caldicott: Well, good. l'll look out for the points.

Charters (seeing car approaching alongside train): Blighters are chasing us. Look.

Iris: We can't have far to go.

Charters: lt's time for me to change the points. Thank heavens we shall be in neutral territory.

Bandrikan officer (coming to, on the floor, cocking a pistol): That vill not be necessary (pointing the revolver at Charters). I am sorry but the points as you call them vill not be changed over. Will you please be seated?

Caldicott: There they are, just ahead of us. Do you think you can stop it?

Gilbert: Hope so.

Bandrikan officer: Keep quite still until my friends arrive. lf anyone moves, I’m afraid l shall have to shoot.

Iris: (jumping up) There's just one thing you don't know, Captain. There's only one bullet left, and if you shoot me the others have a chance. You're in a difficult position, aren’t you?

Bandrikan officer: Sit down please.

Iris: All right.

Caldicott: Where the devil's Charters?

(The Nun throws the switch on the railroad track.

Caldicott: Go ahead, she's done it.

Nun (trying to climb into the engine with Gilbert and Caldicott, apparently shot): lt's all right, it's just my leg.

Baroness: (comments in Bandrikan)

Dr. Hartz: (Replies in Bandrikan, then) Or as they say in England, jolly good luck to them.

Caldicott: By the way, l'm glad that's all over, aren’t you? Heaven knows what the government will say about all this.

Gilbert: Nothing at all. They'll hush it up.

Caldicott: What? (pulling the train whistle)

Gilbert: Hey, take your hand off that thing. l've got to remember a tune.

Caldicott: Remember?

(Train becomes a boat, becomes the boat-train pulling into Victoria Station in London.)

Porter: Porter, sir?

Gilbert: No, no thank you.

Iris: Well we're home, Gilbert. Won’t you stop humming that awful tune. You must know it backwards.

Gilbert: l'm not taking any risks. Charles be here to meet you?

Iris: l expect so.

Gilbert: So you'll be pretty busy between now and Thursday.

Iris: Well l could meet you for lunch or dinner, if you’d like it.

Gilbert: Sorry, l didn't mean that. No, as a matter of fact, l've got to deliver this theme song to Miss Froy, and then l'm going to dash off to Yorkshire, finish my book.

Iris: l see.

Gilbert: Ready?

Iris: Yes.

(Shots of busy Victoria Station. Hitchcock passes by, removes his hat and arching his shoulders.)

Charters: Ample time to catch the 6:50 to Manchester after all. (The two see the newspaper headline: TEST MATCH ABANDONED FLOODS).

Gilbert (humming code song, in front of a cab with Iris): Any sign of Charles yet?

Iris: No, l can't see him.

Gilbert: Well, this is where we say goodbye. (Iris ducks in cab.) What's the matter? (He sees that she has spotted her fiancé) Charles?

Iris: Yes, you heartless, callous, selfish, swollen-headed beast. (They kiss.)

Cabbie: Are you going anywhere?

Gilbert: Foreign Office.

(In the Foreign Office, Iris and Gilbert laughing together, waiting outside a closed door.)

Iris: Where are we going for our honeymoon?

Gilbert: I don’t know. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere where there are no trains.

FO functionary: Mr. Callendar will see you now.

Gilbert: Wait a minute. lt's gone!

Iris: What's gone?

Gilbert: Well, the tune. l've forgotten it!

Iris: No! No!

Gilbert: Wait a minute. Let me concentrate.

Iris: No, that's the Wedding March.

Gilbert: lt's awful. l've done nothing but sing it since the day before yesterday, and now l've forgotten it completely.

They hear the tune played on a piano in the office, enter the office and see:

Iris: Miss Froy!

Gilbert: Well, l'll be hanged.